


On the Differences Between Tulips and Camellias

by celebel



Series: I Bloom Just for You [1]
Category: Cricket RPF
Genre: ((i hope lol)), Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beaches, Blood, Confusion, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Obliviousness, Pining, Unrequited Love, ash may be a bit ooc and an asshole but dw he's sorts himself out, eventually :))))), it'll make sense when you read it sjdncj, these tags are wack but they'll make sense by the end of the fic i swear, they seem to be a theme whenever i write ash/aj huh, those last 2 tags apply to two different ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:09:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23053495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celebel/pseuds/celebel
Summary: A drop of blood drips from his lips onto his wrist, and Ash looks down. He hadn’t noticed his fingers had curled themselves into a tight fist, his blunt nails carving deep, crescent-shaped indentations into his palm.Taking a deep breath, he forces his hand to unfurl, revealing the single, yellow petal sitting innocently in the middle of it. Even crushed and torn in various places with its rounded edges stained red, what it is, is unmistakable.
Relationships: Ashton Agar/AJ Tye
Series: I Bloom Just for You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1656718
Comments: 7
Kudos: 5





	On the Differences Between Tulips and Camellias

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to this week's edition of I hurt my best boys yet again
> 
> On today's show we have some tasty Hanahaki disease which makes you cough up petals until you suffocate because that's unrequited love for you :)
> 
> Hanahaki can only be cured if you get the flowers in your chest surgically removed (along with your romantic feelings for that person) or if the person you're in love with loves you back, but unfortunately for the boys, they're stuck with me and were never gonna get that lucky ;)))))
> 
> Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy and make it to the end because mAN writing 10k+ words was a real slog and there probably still are mistakes here and there :P

It starts off as a tickle in his throat. A small, prickling sensation which refuses to go away no matter how many lozenges he swallows. It’s something he can just push to the back of his mind as he powers through another lap of the WACA outfield, though, because _our first game of the season is a month away, goddamnit, I am **not** falling ill._

But what begins as a minor inconvenience quickly blooms into a strange heaviness in his chest, twining around his lungs and leaving him breathless after every spell he gets in the nets.

“Looks like someone went a bit too hard in the off season, hey?” someone teases from above Ash, and he squints up through the sweat dripping from his forehead and the harsh glare of the sun from the cloudless sky. He’s unable to help his wide grin when he makes out a pair of sparkling, grey eyes and the familiar quirk of pink lips he has often caught himself daydreaming of kissing.

“Just a tad,” he huffs, propping himself up on his elbows so he can better stare at the man standing over him. AT’s still padded up from his extended stay in the nets, and his helmet has left his sweat-damp hair pressed flat against his head. He’s got the top few buttons of his training shirt unbuttoned against the warm weather, unwittingly exposing the flushed skin of his chest. Ash feels his mouth go dry as his wandering gaze zeroes in on a bead of sweat. It trickles down the line of AT’s throat and slips past his low collar, making a small part of Ash’s mind wonder what it would be like to trace its path with his lips, moving lower and lower until-

The Freo Doctor which blows across the ground snaps him out of his daze, the cool breeze saving him from making a fool of himself by staring too long. Hurriedly, Ash flicks his gaze back to AT’s face, taking in the elegant arch of an eyebrow and expectant expression. Ash’s cheeks colour when he realises AT had asked him a question which he hadn’t heard, because he was too busy thirsting. “Sorry?”

“I asked if you’d like a drink,” AT says with a fond roll of his eyes, kneeling and flipping open the esky right beside Ash. Immediately, Ash stiffens at their sudden proximity, his breath catching somewhat painfully in his throat. Thankfully, AT doesn’t seem to notice his internal turmoil, making a happy sound when he finds his and Ash’s water bottles amongst the dozen others also dumped in the ice. “This is yours, yeah?”

“Y-yeah, cheers, AT,” Ash manages, but as his fingers brush against AT’s, he’s suddenly overcome by a violent coughing fit.

“Christ, Ash, you alright?” AT asks, thumping on Ash’s back. Normally, AT’s concern would make his heart flutter in his chest and have him feeling like he was back in primary school talking to his first ever crush. This time, however, there’s only his heartbeat pounding loud in his ears and the pit which opens in the bottom of his stomach. Ash thinks he feels his throat clog with more than just fear, but he immediately banishes the thought, willing himself to even his breathing and relax the white-knuckled grip he has around his water bottle.

“Yeah, mate. It’s just a little cough,” he says, fixing AT with the most reassuring smile he can muster. “Should go away with all the warm weather we’ll be getting over the next couple of weeks.”

AT eyes him warily for a moment before his face splits into a wide grin. He makes to say something, but is interrupted when a broad figure looms over him and Ash, blocking out the sun’s warm rays.

“Look, I know JL isn’t our coach anymore, but Vogesy is more than capable of giving you both a good spray if he catches you slacking off,” Cam says quietly, arms folded and a dissatisfied twist to his lips.

“Aw, Cameron, you’re no fun,” AT whines as he gets to his feet with a pout and saunters over to Cam’s side. Languidly, he drapes an arm across Cam’s shoulders, leaning his entire body weight against the shorter man and making him stumble. “Ash and I were just taking a small drinks break. It’s important to stay hydrated in this heat, after all.”

“Remind me how and why you’re vice-captain again?” Cam mutters exasperatedly as he steadies himself. He makes no move to push AT off him, though, and Ash doesn't miss the warm undercurrent in his voice or the light dusting of pink high on his cheeks. AT’s loud laugh is also enough to crack Cam’s mask of grumpiness, a small smile gracing his features as he shakes his head. “Go get your pads off. You said you wanted to bowl to me this morning.”

“Ugh, fine,” AT says, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly. He peels himself off Cam and walks off in the vague direction of his kit bag.

“Could use more than one bowler, you know,” Cam says, turning back to Ash with that dopey grin still on his face. Ash’s fists tighten unconsciously at his sides. “Someone’s gotta back me up when I tell Ashton off for overworking his shoulder again.”

“Nah, I’ll pass. Go bully one of the rookies instead,” Ash retorts, perhaps a little too quickly and a little too curtly. He takes a long gulp from his water bottle, pointedly not meeting Cam’s eyes as tense, awkward silence permeates the previously relaxed atmosphere. Ash turns to watch Mitch crunch a drive straight back past the unlucky bowler in his net and mumbles a soft “shot, mate” when the ball races past where he and Cam are. Neither one of them speaks for what feels like ages before Cam clears his throat.

“Ash, I-”

“Oi, Cameron!” a loud voice interrupts, and Cam and Ash turn to see AT standing by the far net, spinning a ball idly from hand to hand. “You gonna get your ass over here anytime soon or what?”

“One minute, Ashton!” Cam calls back, and Ash prays that Cam won’t say anything more to him. He barely manages to stifle his sigh of relief when Cam closes his mouth with a shake of his head and strides off to grab his gear from where he’d left it on the ground. Ash doesn’t spare him a second glance, taking a moment more to simply bask in the bright sunshine before getting to his feet and grabbing a towel from his kit bag.

As he wipes the sweat from his face and chucks his bottle back in the esky, he tries not to think that for a moment there, between his coughs and the sting they left behind, he could’ve sworn he tasted plant.

***

The cough doesn’t go away even with the minor heatwave which heralds the beginning of the impending spring. In response, Ash throws himself into training, overworking himself until the sharpness brushing silkily against his throat becomes easier to ignore than the burning sensation in every muscle in his body.

Yet whenever AT smiles at him or greets him in the change room, the knot of… whatever it is in his chest seems to double in size, scratching against the inside of his ribcage like a wild animal trying to escape. 

Still, Ash tells himself that it’s nothing. He’s just overthinking things again, because there’s no way it could be _that_. He’s still young, and he’s not even in love anyway. Truly.

Which is why when he coughs up the first petal, all he can do is stare at it uncomprehendingly. 

With Ash being the only one who’d stayed back to work on a few things with the Warriors’ coaches, there’s nobody to pull him out of the trance-like state he finds himself in. His hands tremble around the frail, little thing cupped in his palms, damp with saliva and speckled prettily with blood. _His_ blood. 

The silence in the empty change room is suffocating. Ash isn’t sure if he stands stock-still over his half-packed kit bag for two minutes or two hours, but suddenly, there’s a solid presence beside him and gentle hands guiding him to his locker. As he falls heavily to the bench, he registers a soft voice asking if he’s okay, and he forces himself to look up.

“AJ,” he mumbles, recognising the familiar figure in front of him.

“Hey, Ash,” AJ says, trying for what Ash assumes is a reassuring smile. It’s slightly fragile at the edges, however, and the panic in AJ’s big, blue eyes is unmistakable as he kneels before Ash. “Stay with me, mate.”

“What are you doing here?” he asks, still feeling slightly disoriented. AJ’s warm hands around his keep him grounded, though, preventing him from losing himself in the storm he feels brewing at the back of his mind. 

“Tried to grab a frozen coke on the way home, but didn’t have my wallet on me. Guessed it must’ve fallen out here, so I came back to try and find it, and… yeah,” he says with a chuckle which sounds forced even to Ash. The tense grin quickly slips from his features when Ash says nothing, and he swallows, visibly readying himself to ask the question he already knows the answer to. “Ash, what’s that in your hand?”

A drop of blood drips from his lips onto his wrist, and Ash looks down. He hadn’t noticed his fingers had curled themselves into a tight fist, his blunt nails carving deep, crescent-shaped indentations into his palm. 

Taking a deep breath, he forces his hand to unfurl, revealing the single, yellow petal sitting innocently in the middle of it. Even crushed and torn in various places with its rounded edges stained red, what it is, is unmistakable.

A heavy silence descends on the change room with not even Ash or AJ’s breaths audible for a long while. It is AJ who speaks first, though, asking a soft “how long?”

“It’s not a big deal, AJ-”. 

“‘Not a big deal’?” AJ echoes, barking a hollow, disbelieving laugh. “Mate, you’re fucking coughing up flowers! Hanahaki kills people, Ash, this _is_ a big fucking deal!”

AJ’s voice rises to a shout towards the end of his sentence, and Ash flinches, ripping his hands away from this AJ he’s never seen before. Immediately, the wild, fearful look in AJ’s eyes dissipates and is replaced with regret and shame. AJ looks away as his shoulders slump, and distantly, Ash wonders if his newfound… condition is affecting AJ more than it is affecting him. 

“Please, Ash,” AJ pleads softly, looking up at Ash with eyes which shine a little too bright beneath the harsh glare of the ceiling lights. “How long?”

“This is the first time the petals have appeared,” Ash answers honestly. “Should’ve known this was coming when the cough showed up out of nowhere two weeks ago, really, but I was too much in denial about being in love at the time.” A hoarse laugh scrapes its way up his impossibly raw throat, and his hand curls and uncurls restlessly around the bloodstained petal. “Guess there’s no denying it now, though.”

Unable to look at AJ’s broken expression, Ash turns away, biting his lip. Unfortunately, his traitorous eyes are drawn to the one place he’d been determinately avoiding looking at since AJ had found him. Silently, AJ follows the line of his gaze, his breath hitching when he realises Ash is staring straight at AT’s locker.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” he asks quietly, his voice cracking on the final word. 

It’s quiet once more after Ash gives a slow nod, and then AJ is moving suddenly, pulling Ash down into a crushing hug. Ash makes to tell AJ that he’s making breathing with a killer plant in his chest harder than it already is, yet when he notices AJ’s broad shoulders shaking with soft sobs, the words die on his lips. The reality of his situation finally sets in at that moment, and Ash feels his eyes well with tears. 

As he clutches at the back of AJ’s shirt, he realises there’s nothing he can say or do to make anything better – nothing at all.

***

“I think I’m gonna have it removed.”

AJ doesn’t reply for a long while, and Ash wonders if his words had been lost beneath the sound of the waves crashing against the surf or the loud caws of the gulls overhead. Before he can repeat himself, however, AJ murmurs a soft “why?”

Ash swallows, feeling the rasp of sharp stems against the back of his throat. It’s been a week since he’d had that initial conversation with AJ, and he’d just begun coughing up petals in small clumps. A sure sign that the disease had progressed from its first stage.

“You’ve seen AT and Bang whenever they’re together.” He tries to keep his tone as nonchalant as possible, yet the images which flash through his mind of their two friends so impossibly in love with each other have his lips twisting into a bitter curve. “It’s so goddamn obvious that those two idiots are fucking gone for each other.”

“You’re not gonna try talking to AT about it-?”

“What’s there to talk about?” Ash retorts, interrupting AJ with a hoarse laugh as he gets to his feet and dusts sand from his hoodie and shorts. “He and Cam were just… made to be. I have no right getting in the way of that. I’m getting this… this _thing_ cut out of me if it’s the last thing I do, and that’s final. _Don’t_ try to change my mind, AJ.”

Ash storms across the sand and back up the path he and AJ had come down, ignoring how his eyes sting almost as much as his lungs do in the crisp, ocean air. It’s only when he reaches the red footpath, does he realise he’s left his thongs back on the beach. He bites his lip, turning to head back down to where he’d pretty much abandoned AJ, only to be greeted by the man himself holding a pair of familiar thongs out to him.

“Thanks…” he mumbles, feeling his cheeks colour as he takes his thongs and slips them onto his feet.

“I wasn’t trying to change your mind,” AJ says quietly once Ash finishes. “It’s just…” He trails off, running a hand over his face. His voice is small and uncertain when he continues, a tremor running through it when he meets Ash’s brown gaze. “Could you really do that? Deal with all that? Go through with the operation, wake up the next morning, look at the person you’ve been in love with for so long and be alright feeling nothing at all?”

“What other choice do I have? He’ll never like me in _that_ way, I’ll die if I don’t do go through with it, and- fuck, I’m meant to have accepted that by now,” Ash whispers, wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie as another strangled laugh escapes him. He clutches his chest right above where he feels the plant’s roots growing uninhibited inside him and begs AJ for an answer he knows neither of them has. “If love is meant to be something good, then why does it hurt so fucking bad? Why, AJ, why…?”

AJ says nothing and simply takes a step towards Ash instead, settling a hand on his shoulder. Ash leans into the familiar touch and covers AJ’s fingers with his own, giving them a squeeze. He takes a shuddering breath, looking out over the vast ocean so as to not see the pitying look AJ must inevitably be sending his way.

“I’ve talked to WACA doctor, psych, and all the specialists,” he continues. “They told me it’ll be a relatively simple procedure since the disease is still in its initial stages and that recovery won’t be too long if I get it sorted now. They have me pencilled in for the operation early next week, and I… I’ll give them a call tomorrow morning. Tell them I’ll do it.”

“Then you’re already a far braver man than I am, Ash,” AJ confesses, and only then does Ash look back at him. The words barely carry above the sea breeze which ruffles AJ’s brown hair in a way Ash could almost find endearing. He mirrors Ash’s watery smile as the sun drifts lower in the sky, the evening light skipping across the blue waves of the ocean and making them shine gold in the fading glow. “I’d never be able to do that.”

***

Flipping the boot of his car open with one hand, Ash uses his other to pull his jacket tighter around him. It feels strangely cold for a September morning, but maybe Ash just isn’t used the outdoors after being confined indoors for the past two weeks.

As he’s tugging his backpack over his shoulders and dropping his kit bag to the tarmac, someone else pulls into the WACA carpark. Ash is unable to help his relieved grin when he sees it’s only AJ.

“You came,” he blurts, unable to help himself as AJ exits his own car parked right next to Ash’s.

“Of course I did,” AJ says easily, grabbing his own bags and turning to Ash. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Seven in the morning is a bit of a tall order, especially when the earliest most people start rocking up is around eight,” Ash says with a shrug, and AJ huffs, shaking his head fondly.

“‘Look after your mates’,” AJ quotes as he slams the boot of his car shut. “Isn’t that one of our values here at the WACA? I wasn’t gonna leave you alone on your first day back, Ash, especially when you said you wanted to get here a little earlier to psych yourself up before seeing-” 

AJ breaks off abruptly, and Ash blinks. A week ago, he would’ve winced at AJ’s slip, but now, he simply picks up from where AJ left off, speaking easily before the silence stretches into something awkward.

“Before seeing AT,” he says, shooting AJ a reassuring smile to let him know that everything’s alright. It feels weird saying AT’s name out loud nonetheless. Hell, it feels weird even _thinking_ about AT. Once, the mere thought of him would’ve had the plant in his chest tightening painfully around his lungs, brutally squeezing all the air out of him and filling his mouth with the bitter taste of chlorophyll and petals. Now, however, there’s… not nothing, but something much smaller and much more uncertain in its place. “Thanks, AJ.”

“No worries, Ash,” AJ says, looking somewhat relieved as he picks his kit bag off the ground. “You remember what the doc said about taking it easy in your first session back, yeah?”

“Ugh, unfortunately,” Ash groans, having had this talk with AJ at least five times over the past two days. He feels his smile shift into something a little fonder at the familiar conversation, though, and he makes his way to AJ’s side, dragging his kit bag behind him. “Take it easy with the bowling and throwing, batting is fine as long as I’m not trying to get too inventive, stay hydrated throughout the day, and rest when I feel tired. Really, AJ, there’s no need for you to worry. The doc’s gonna be monitoring me all throughout training today-”

“Ash! AJ!” someone shouts, and Ash stops dead in his tracks.

_Fuck, no, this can’t be happening. Why’s he here so early? What if the surgery failed? I’m not ready for this, I’m not, I’m not, I’m-_

“Ash?” AJ whispers, an edge of worry to his words as he shifts closer to Ash and bumps their shoulders together. “Ash, mate, it’s gonna be alright, just breathe-”

Ash’s hand shoots out, latching onto the nearest, solid thing to it for support. The sound of AJ’s breath hitching in his throat cuts through the still, morning air as he feels long fingers wrap around his, but Ash doesn’t hear it above his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

“Ash!” AT calls again, his voice snapping AJ out of his daze. A glance to his left tells AJ that Ash is still in shock from AT’s unexpected arrival, his eyes wide and unseeing as he stares straight ahead. Quickly, AJ forces himself to smile as AT jogs up to them. 

“Morning, AT,” AJ says, diverting AT’s attention to him. “You’re here a bit early.”

“Huh? Oh yeah, it’s Cameron’s turn to drive today, and you know how he always insists we get to training like, an hour before it’s actually scheduled to start,” AT says, rubbing his eyes and grinning in a way which indicates he isn’t exactly fully awake yet. He flicks his gaze to Ash as he continues speaking. “What about you guys? Thought Ash would want to show up as late as possible today, given how he’s probably been sleeping in until noon every day for the past couple of weeks.”

The teasing words snap Ash back to the present, and all of a sudden, he’s hyperaware of the uncomfortable brush of his training shirt against the thin scar running down the middle of his chest. Slowly, he shifts his gaze to AT, readying himself for the familiar breathlessness which never comes.

AT’s cap sits lopsided on his head, barely covering messy, brown curls which fall across his forehead. Despite the slightly unfocused look in them, AT’s grey eyes twinkle in the early morning light as they meet Ash’s brown ones, and his grin shines almost as brightly as the rising sun peeking over his shoulder. ‘Sleepy’ is a pretty adorable look on AT, by all means, but instead of the shortness of breath Ash would normally be getting by now, there’s something entirely different bubbling in his chest. It’s not unpleasant and not unfamiliar either. In fact, Ash reckons it’s a lot like the warm feeling he gets whenever he picks Wes up from the airport for a game in Perth, and his little brother stumbles to the car half-asleep and slightly jetlagged, but glad to see him, nonetheless.

“Hello? Ash?” AT waves his hand in front of Ash’s face. “Anyone home?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry, mate,” Ash says, finally realising he’s meant to have said something. “Must still be slightly out of it, coming back from the flu and all, you know?” He puts on an apologetic smile with a wince and presses the heel of his hand to his head for effect.

He’d spoken to the team doctor about wanting to keep his entire situation under wraps, deciding that his entire situation and any potential disharmony it had the potential to cause in the team simply wasn’t worth it. Thus, they’d passed off his two-week recovery from surgery as him having fallen ill at the peak of the flu season. It wasn’t an unlikely scenario, and the entire team – excluding AJ, of course – appeared to have bought the lie.

“Yeah, well, you’re lucky AJ talked Vogesy out of driving up to your place and chewing you out for falling ill a couple of weeks out from the start of the season. That man was absolutely fuming over you missing our first One Day fixture,” AT chuckles, but before he can say anything else, he’s interrupted by a loud shout from across the carpark.

“Ashton!” The three of them turn to see Cam struggling to haul his and AT’s kit bags out of his car. “Get your ass back over here! I’m not dragging your shit down there for you!”

“Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” Ash jokes. AT shakes his head fondly, watching his housemate somehow make a meal out of a relatively simple task and nearly trip over his own feet. 

“I should go help him before he ends up being the next one sidelined for two weeks,” AT says, already walking off. “Make sure you take it easy today!”

“Not you too,” Ash groans, gesturing at AJ as he continues speaking. “I get enough of that from this bloke over here already!”

“Take. It. Easy! That’s a direct order from your vice-captain!” AT reiterates, and Ash rolls his eyes with a smile. 

With a cheeky comment on the tip of his tongue about Cam and AT being the old, married couple they are, he turns to AJ, but finds that the words die as soon as he catches sight of the man next to him.

AJ’s watching AT’s retreating back with a blank look in his normally expressive, blue eyes. The goofy smile which usually graces his features is gone, his pink lips pressed into a thin line instead. It’s a sight Ash isn’t used to, and he can’t say it’s something he’s completely comfortable with.

“Hey,” he says softly, tapping a finger against the back of AJ’s hand. “It’s not his fault, you know. You don’t have to blame him for anything.”

“That’s not… it’s not like that, Ash,” AJ says, looking like he’s going to say more for a second before shaking his head. He doesn’t meet Ash’s eyes, but before Ash can press him for anything more, he’s being tugged in the direction of the change room. “Come on, let’s get to training. The doc said you need one final check-up before you’re cleared for your first game.”

And it isn’t until Ash is forced to untangle their hands to unpack his gear, that he realises AJ never let go.

***

Despite what Ash had believed would happen, their near-daily hangouts don’t diminish in frequency after his surgery. If anything, they increase in number and in length.

“Why?” Ash murmurs absentmindedly one evening after their short swim in the ocean. It’s barely audible over the sounds of the beach all around them, but AJ stops towelling his hair off.

“Sorry?” He cocks his head to one side, and Ash takes a deep breath, curling his hands into the sand.

“Why?” he repeats himself a little louder. “Why are you still putting up with me? I mean, the only reason we started hanging out like this was because I needed someone to help me deal with everything I was going through when I was in love with AT, but my Hanahaki’s been dealt with for ages now, and you’re still here, so I’m just wondering… why?”

“Do you really think that little of yourself, Ash?” AJ leans back on his arms and flashes Ash a teasing grin. “I do enjoy your company, and you’re not _that_ bad a bloke to be around, I promise.”

“Oh, shut up,” he laughs, punching AJ lightly in the shoulder. His own smile quickly falls when he notices the lines of tension at the corners of AJ’s eyes and the way his mouth stretches a little too wide, though. He can tell AJ’s trying to appear calm and composed, but the stupid amount of time they’ve been spending with each other allows him to see the stiffness in his shoulders and the restless twitching of his fingers. “That’s not all there is, though, is it?”

At that, AJ looks away, staring out to a small point on the distant horizon. Neither one of them says anything for a few minutes before AJ huffs in resignation, shaking his head. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna make me say it, Ash.”

“I don’t know, AJ,” Ash sighs, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his chin atop them. “You’re a great guy, truly. It’s just… I’m not sure if I’m capable of liking someone like _that_ at the moment. Not so soon after AT.”

“I’m not trying to make you do anything you aren’t comfortable with,” AJ says, still not looking at Ash. He gives another self-deprecating laugh, pushing his hand through his hair. “I wanted to be someone you could lean on, but maybe I’ve been a little selfish in the way I’ve gone about all this. I’ve enjoyed all this time we’ve been spending together, and I understand if you think I did this solely to take advantage of your situation for that reason-”

“Not at all. I know it’s not like that. _You’re_ not like that,” Ash interrupts him, hesitating as he carefully considers his feelings and his next words. “I really would give it a shot if things were any different, but I just wonder…” He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath as he clutches the front of his thin shirt. “I wonder if they cut out my entire ability to love along with that fucking plant.”

“Hey, it’s alright, Ash,” AJ reassures him, bumping their shoulders together. Ash prides himself for not flinching at the unexpected contact. “Give yourself some time. You’ll be alright.”

“What about you?” Ash asks, turning to AJ and taking in everything from the crow’s feet at the corners of his blue eyes, to the line of his nose, to his brown hair coloured a deep shade of copper in the sun’s last rays. As Ash lets his gaze trace outline of AJ’s unsmiling lips, he thinks that maybe in some alternate universe, if things had been different, they could’ve had something together.

“It was unrealistic of me to have hoped for you to love me back, but-” AJ starts before he’s cut off by Ash’s shocked gasp. He smiles sadly, shaking his head as he meets Ash’s wide, brown eyes. “Thought it was pretty obvious already, Ash. I love you.”

“I… AJ, I-” _I’m sorry. I want to love you, but I just don’t know how, or if I even **can**_, Ash means to say, but the words catch in his throat, leaving him opening and closing his mouth soundlessly. 

“It’s okay, Ash,” AJ says, turning back to face the setting sun with eyes the colour of the shimmering horizon. “You don’t have to say anything back.”

***

Life goes on as it always has.

It's inevitable that he has to interact with AJ, given they’re with WA all season round. Thus, he throws himself into training even harder than he had while he was in love with AT, nearly surpassing Cam in terms of effort he puts into net sessions. His bowling suffers a fair bit with the ridiculous amount of time he spends batting and annoying the coaches for throwdowns, but hey, it’s worth it if the most interacting he does with AJ is throwing the ball back to him after whacking what he hopes would be a boundary in a real game. 

Still, there are spaces in Ash’s life which can’t be ignored even with all the extra one-on-one coaching and late-night net sessions he gets. Spaces which had been filled with his and AJ’s near-daily visits to City Beach after training which had often resulted in them chatting late into the night. Spaces which had been filled with just the two of them exploring the city and inner suburbs for hours on end on their days off, because even after living in WA for nearly a decade, Ash still manages to find new restaurants and cafés to try every time he looks. Spaces which had been filled with movie marathons that had become ‘their thing’ after every match, despite them having started off as a way for Ash to simply kill time while he’d been in recovery. 

Spaces which now sit open and empty, much like the void he feels right beneath the neat scar spanning from the hollow of his collarbones, to the bottom of his ribcage. 

He tries to fill them. He really does. Breakfast at a café of Joel and Coults’ choosing becomes a regular fixture on game days. He goes gymming more often, much to the amusement of Marcus who uses every spare moment to remind him who has the better rig out of them both. He takes Cam and AT up on an offer of a barbecue at their place and watches them mess around on their guitars, noticing how Cam fondly watches AT glare at the frets with a concentration he usually only possesses out in the middle.

<s>Nothing can quite replace all the late-night phone calls, though. </s>

<s>And he can’t quite bring himself to even look at the beach without AJ either.</s>

For a while, he’s able to paper over the cracks. He’s an adult. He can be civil and mature about things. He can put up with the awkward back pats whenever either of them takes a wicket or the hesitant high-fives which follow taken catches or successful runouts. No matter that the rest of the team eventually pick up on the tension between him and AJ. None of them ever make mention of it anyway. Not in front of him, at least. Everyone seems more than content to simply ignore the elephant in the room, lest they spark a massive blow-up and disrupt the entire team dynamic for the rest of the season.

Ash is fine with all that. He can almost appreciate how Jason or one of the other quicks always call AJ over to discuss plans if Ash gets assigned to the net AJ’s bowling in, and how even the rookies suddenly all want a crack at AJ whenever he gets asked to bat in the net Ash is already occupying. Everything’s just _fine_.

But when the first half of the Shield season eventually gives way to Big Bash preparations, it becomes apparent that nothing is fine and neither is he. 

On the day of the Scorchers media day, Ash sits quietly in his little corner of the change room, waiting for Jess to call him in. As his and Cam’s names are first two on the team list, they’d both gotten here for their media duties way before everyone else. Usually, Ash would’ve struck up a conversation with Cam, but the other man looks more tired than usual with dark smudges beneath his eyes he struggles to keep open. Ash chalks Cam’s haggard appearance up to the ongoing tour of New Zealand which had taken AT from them, and leaves him to catch some much-needed rest in his locker. 

“Ash?” Ash looks up, seeing Jess at the open change room door. She gestures down the hall. “We’re ready for you.”

With a sleepy nod, he drags himself to his feet. Hardly paying any attention to where he’s going, Ash ends up walking straight into a solid body as soon as he steps out of the change room.

One second, he’s on his feet with the world slightly hazy around him, and the next, he’s wide awake and falling to the ground. Ash yelps in surprise, and his arms flail around wildly for something, _anything_ to grab onto, though he quickly realises that there’s nothing there for him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he braces himself for the sickening crack of the back of his head against the floor, and-.

A strong hand wraps itself around his bicep, catching him before he falls. Ash releases the breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding and slowly opens his eyes. He’s about to thank his saviour, right when he meets an all-too-familiar blue gaze which makes his heart stop right in his chest.

It’s no consolation that AJ seems as stunned as he is, and both of them stand frozen right where they are, unable to do much else. There are a million possible things Ash had imagined himself saying to AJ, ranging from teary apologies to cold rejection, but his mind goes completely blank in that moment. For him, there’s nothing except the feeling of AJ’s fingers wrapped around his arm and just… _blue_. 

“Ash?” Jess pokes her head out of the doorway down the corridor, calling him again and breaking whatever spell there had been between him and AJ. Quickly, Ash rights himself, pulling himself from AJ with a little more force than strictly necessary and walking past him, taking specific care to ensure that their shoulders don’t brush. 

“Yep, sorry,” he says, forcing a smile to his face in response to Jess’ raised eyebrows, all the while hoping she doesn’t mention how red his face seems to have gone.

Jess doesn’t mention it, thankfully, but she does mention how distracted he looks throughout the entire photoshoot which ends up taking three times longer than usual. Ash tries to play it off, joking about how they should start from the bottom of the list and call Sam in first for a change, but Jess’ unimpressed look tells him she hasn’t bought his bullshit at all. 

Thus, on the trek back to the change room to get Cam, Ash resolves to avoid AJ at all costs for the rest of the day. 

He lasts all of two hours.

Ash had thought the team photo would be the most painless part of his day. It would be like being in high school all over again, where his height would guarantee him free reign in the back row. He’d go plonk himself on the edge as far as possible from AJ, who’d definitely be somewhere in the middle, and get the entire thing over and done with. 

All his best-laid plans come crashing down when the photographer takes one look at where he stands and simply shakes his head, though. 

“Sorry, Ash, I’m gonna need you to stand somewhere closer to the middle.” 

_Closer to the middle? Not ideal, but I can still work with that,_ Ash thinks as he squeezes himself in between Joel and Cam. He’s feeling pretty satisfied with himself right up until the photographer shakes his head again.

“No, that’s not gonna work,” the photographer mutters, scanning the entire squad before eventually focussing on AJ. “AJ, mate, can you swap spots with Joel? Stand right next to Ash, thanks.”

At his words, a hush settles around the group. Ash feels wary gazes flicking between him and AJ, but forces himself to ignore all of them in favour of staring at the flags at the top of the stadium, fluttering in the breeze which swirls through the ground.

“Sure, no worries.” AJ’s voice has Ash cutting his eyes to his right, just in time to see AJ move into the spot Joel had previously been occupying. 

“Perfect!” the photographer declares, but just as Ash dares to hope that that’s the end of it, the photographer motions to the back row with one hand. “Back row, you guys are gonna need to bunch up a bit back there.”

If AJ notices Ash’s sharp inhale when they bump against one another, it doesn’t show in the wide grin he plasters across his features for the camera. Ash, on the other hand, can only hope he doesn’t look as stunned as he feels.

Ash is snapped back to the present at the sound of Jess rattling off instructions to the squad. A quick look around the group sees many of them ambling off to their next shoots or helping the media team put chairs away. The man who’d been right next to him, though, is noticeably absent. 

Ash tries to convince himself the hollow feeling of disappointment in his chest is actually relief as he trudges off distractedly in the vague direction Jess had pointed him in, but even he knows there’s no fooling anyone. Not when the phantom feeling of AJ’s hand around his bicep still feels like a fresh brand, the heat threatening to consume his every thought, and certainly not when Ash could’ve sworn he’d felt sparks ignite between him and AJ where the line of AJ’s side had pressed against his, the memory burning bright in his mind for hours after.

Ash thinks of AJ for the entire drive home and also while he’s going through his evening routine on autopilot. When he thinks of crow’s feet framing laughing, blue eyes, pink lips curled into a permanent smile, or short, brown hair which is much softer than it appears to be, he’s reminded of long hours where the ache in his chest had left him unable to do much else other than bury his tear-stained face in AJ’s shirt and focus on the sound of his steady heartbeat and soft reassurances that Ash would make it through this. He’s reminded of AJ’s constant, bright presence which had been beside him since that day in the WACA change room, helping him through his worst days when it seemed like there was no hope or escape from his stupid feelings. He’s reminded of AJ’s support, always given unhesitatingly and unquestioningly, and how quick he’d been to throw all that right back in AJ’s face. 

As Ash pulls his pyjamas on, he finds himself wondering what AJ’s hand in his would feel like, what his lips would taste like, and what his blue gaze in the early hours of morning would look like. 

Ash still doesn’t know for sure if he’s capable of love, but as he watches the full moon drift higher in the night sky outside his bedroom window, he realises he would choose AJ just like he should’ve from the very beginning – unhesitatingly and unquestioningly.

***

He gets to the WACA early one morning, long before anyone else is bound to show up. Despite his midnight revelations, Ash is still a coward, and it had taken him a good few days before he’d finally resolved to tell AJ how he feels about him. About them.

He sits on the bench in his locker, his elbows on his knees and his face buried in his hands. He’s halfway through maybe his thousandth visualisation of how this conversation could possibly go down with AJ when the door creaks open.

Ash’s head snaps up immediately, all his senses on high alert. He’s nearly out of his seat, ready to blurt out the speech he’d written mentally for himself when Cam steps through the door. Ash isn’t entirely sure whether his shoulders sag with relief or disappointment. He’d forgotten that Cam always gets to training early, given the chance. More frequently now, though, since AT isn’t around to split driving duties with him. 

“Hey, Cam,” he greets, and Cam startles.

“Oh. Ash,” he says, blinking a couple of times. “You’re here early.”

“Yeah, I needed to… sort a few things out,” he finishes lamely. He expects Cam to ask him to elaborate like he usually would, yet he only hums softly in acknowledgement. Ash’s brow furrows at that, and he narrows his eyes. The healthy flush which usually colours Cam’s cheeks is gone, his face now pale and drawn as he leans heavily against the back of his locker and struggles to keep his bloodshot eyes open. His dark circles had also only gotten worse from the last time Ash had seen them, looking more like bruises beneath the sterile lights. Ash swallows. “Cam?”

“Yeah, mate?” Cam’s eyes have fluttered shut, and he doesn’t even bother opening them as he speaks.

“Is… is everything alright?”

There’s a pause. “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“Frankly, man, you look like shit,” he tries to joke. He counts it as a small victory when Cam looks up, chuckling hoarsely. Meeting Cam’s exhausted gaze, Ash immediately sobers. “You been getting enough sleep?”

“Thanks for the honesty, Ash,” Cam sighs. He runs a hand through his lank, brown hair. “Somehow, no, I haven’t been getting that much sleep.”

“Thought you’d be getting more sleep without AT-” _Thought you’d be getting more sleep without AT here to keep you awake at night_, Ash means to tease, yet at the mention of AT, Cam’s eyes widen, and he clamps a hand over his mouth. Ash’s stomach drops. “Shit, Cam, oh my God, I-”

Before he can utter another word, Cam’s out of his seat and sprinting to the bathroom. Ash chases after him, cursing how he’d allowed shock to leave him gaping for a whole, few seconds before his legs had finally listened to him and just _moved_. 

Cam throws open one of the stall doors, trying his best to make it to the toilet, yet Ash can see he’s too late. Cam drops to his knees, and large clumps of petals, wet with blood and saliva, fall from his mouth with each violent cough which racks his body.

“Cam!” Ash cries, grasping at his friend’s shaking shoulders as half-formed flowers continue hitting the bathroom tiles with sickening plops.

It feels like an eternity until Cam is done heaving. With a wheeze, he falls back against the wall of the stall, brushing Ash’s hands off him. Ash rocks back onto his heels, his pupils still blown wide with panic and his fingers digging painfully into his thighs. Neither one of them speaks for a few minutes with Cam’s rasping breaths being the only sound between them.

“We should get this cleaned up before the rest of the boys get here,” Ash says eventually. He grabs some toilet paper to start cleaning the mess up before Cam clears his throat, attempting to get to his feet. 

“It’s alright, Ash,” he protests weakly. “You don’t have to-”

“Sit your ass right back on that floor, Cam,” Ash shoots back, fixing Cam with a look which forces him down. He turns his attention back to scooping the bloodstained blooms off the floor. “You’re in no state to stand, let alone even be at training today. Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going through your mind right now, but I swear to _God_, once I’m done with this, I’m gonn-”

Ash freezes mid-word. Simply looking at the delicate, nearly formed blossoms in his hands, it’s evident that Cam’s Hanahaki has progressed to a later stage than Ash had allowed his to. That’s the last thing on his mind, however, as his hands begin trembling with the realisation that he’s seen these exact petals before.

“Yellow tulips. Unrequited love.” Cam’s voice echoes off the bathroom walls, and Ash turns, seeing him pick up a stray, yellow flower he appears to have missed. Cam cradles it gently in his palms and scoffs. “Like it wasn’t already hopeless enough when we started coughing this shit up, hey? The disease is literally rubbing it into our faces. Or rather, just my face now.”

“How… does anyone else...?”

“Does anyone else know you had Hanahaki for Ashton? Or does anyone else know you had your flowers removed?” Cam finishes for Ash. “You were very good at hiding it from the rest of the boys, Ash, I’ll give you that. The only reason I knew was because…” He trails off, allowing Ash to track his gaze to the bloodstained bloom in his hands in lieu of an answer. Ash swallows, noting how the tulip is nearly fully formed, save a few missing petals.

“That’s not what I care about, Cam. You… this… how long?” Ash asks shakily, flushing the petals he’s holding down the toilet. Cam’s blood colours the clear water pink, and the skin of Ash’s knuckles turns the same colour as the porcelain bowl when he clutches at it to keep himself upright. 

“Long enough,” Cam replies once the gurgling toilet quietens, rubbing his throat and leaving red streaks against his suntanned skin in the process. “This thing’s been a long time coming, though, to be honest.” He lifts a shoulder in a little half-shrug. “Still was pretty shitty to have my body confirm what I naïvely thought I could ignore and go ‘yep, you’ve fallen for your best friend, and you’re going to die because of it’.” 

“You haven’t considered getting your Hanahaki removed?” The question slips out before Ash can stop himself, and he regrets his words as soon as he hears Cam’s sharp inhale and sees his fingers clench around the blossom, crushing the fragile thing.

“No,” he says fiercely. “I’ve known Ashton pretty much all my life, and we’ve been best mates for over a decade. Loving him is really the only other thing I’ve known for all that time. Happiness, sadness, the good times, and the bad… he’s been there with me through everything, and I honestly can’t remember a time when he wasn’t. If I go through with the surgery, I’d lose not just my feelings for him, but I’d lose everything I feel whenever I step out there to play cricket, because so many of those feelings began with him. If I were to time something through the covers for four or take a good catch to change the momentum of the game, there’d be no excitement, no _joy_ in knowing that Ashton's definitely cheering me on from the dugout, the change room, halfway across the world, or even down the other end of the pitch. Fuck, there’s no winning for me even _away_ from the game. Every time I look at him after a good day in the field, a shit day, whatever, I’m reminded that there’s more to life than this stupid sport and that I want to spend whatever I have left of it with him. With him, I know that everything is gonna be alright, simply because he’s there and always will be. Just the thought of losing all of that, never feeling any of those things again…” Cam looks at Ash with eyes which beg him to understand. His voice is rough when he continues. Ash is sure it isn’t just from the plant scraping his throat raw. “I can’t do it, Ash. I can’t lose that entire part of myself. Life would be empty, and living like that… I’d rather not do it at all.”

“Alright,” Ash says quietly, holding his hands up placatingly. At that, all the fight seems to go out of Cam, and he slumps against the wall. “God, Cam, I had no idea, I’m so s-”

“Don’t apologise, Ash, you’ve done nothing wrong,” Cam sighs, rubbing an eye with the back of his hand. “I've been quite lucky, by all accounts. I could've gotten Hanahaki back when I was like, I don't know, sixteen or something, and even now, it's progressed at a slower rate than usual. Probably because it interpreted Ashton living with me as my feelings being at least semi-requited. Now that he’s away, though, things seem to have accelerated.” 

“That’s not even it, Cam, I’m sorry for-” Ash breaks off, biting his lip. He takes a moment to collect his thoughts, taking a deep breath before he next speaks. “I was a dick to you. When I had Hanahaki. I… I was so caught up in my own head that I didn't consider the possibility that you were probably suffering - no, _definitely_ suffering more than I was.” He remembers how Cam had tried to reach out to him on a few occasions, which had only resulted in Ash pushing him away.

_Just like how you pushed AJ away._

Ash continues speaking quickly before his mind can continue with that train of thought. “You tried to help me, but I let jealousy get in the way of our friendship and treated you horribly as a result. I really am sorry, Cam. I hope you can forgive me.”

Cam says nothing for a long while, and Ash looks away. Suddenly, though, something solid collides with the back of his head. Ash’s gaze snaps up just in time to see the roll of toilet paper trail off through the open door. 

“Ow, asshole! What the fuck?” He glares at Cam who levels an unimpressed look at him.

“God, I swear there’s a correlation between the name Ashton and being an absolute fucking idiot,” he mutters, hardly skipping a beat as he continues talking over Ash’s indignant squawk. “I can’t forgive you, because there’s nothing to forgive in the first place.”

Cam’s words give Ash pause, and he croaks another “what the fuck?”

“You really do have a way with words, Ash,” Cam groans, though there’s a hint of fondness deep in his exasperated, blue eyes as he rolls them. He reaches over to whack Ash on the back of the head, though Ash does manage to dodge this blow. “Yes, you were a little bit of a dick, that much is undeniable, but I don’t blame you for it. Falling in love isn’t something you can control, and I can’t blame you for getting all caught up in your thoughts and feelings like you did, because I’ve been there as well. I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way, and I know how your frustration can sometimes bleed into every other aspect of your life. I get it, Ash. There really is nothing for me to forgive you for.”

“Fuck’s sake,” Ash groans once he processes Cam’s words, seating himself beside Cam and throwing his head back against the stall wall. “How are you remaining so level-headed about this entire mess?”

“When you’ve been in love with that clown for as long as I have, you learn to cope,” Cam says with a sad smile, and Ash suddenly feels like shit for asking. Before he can apologise again, though, Cam’s fingers unfurl around the crushed tulip, and he holds it up to his eyeline with his thumb and forefinger. “Still, I do wonder how I would’ve managed if Ashton had gotten with you.”

“That was never gonna happen,” Ash states with a firm shake of his head. Seeing an opportunity to lighten the mood a little, the corner of his mouth quirks upwards cheekily. “Think it might be a little awkward if I’m saying my own name in bed, can’t you imagine? Oh, harder, _Ashton_! Mm, _yes_, Ashton, right there-!”

“Holy shit, you make it sound so weird,” Cam says, silencing Ash’s exaggerated moans with a shove and bright laugh, and for a second there, Ash can almost fool himself into thinking everything’s alright. That he and Cam are just joking about something inane like a couple of idiots.

“You know,” Ash begins, interrupting the comfortable silence which had succeeded their wild giggling. “There’s always the chance AT could return your feelings. You could try telling him how you-”

“He hasn’t shown any interest in me despite being my best mate for over a decade _and_ living in the same house as me. Don’t think anything’s gonna change that, and I’ve come to terms with it,” Cam says with a wrinkle of his nose, and as he flicks the flower through the air and into the toilet, Ash feels pressure building at his temples. He has a feeling this is going to be a subject of contention between him and Cam in the not so distant future.

Ash relents for the time being with a hum, standing and extending a hand down to Cam who clasps it with a grin. 

As they both wash their hands in the sinks next to each other, Cam tilts his head in Ash’s direction. “Should probably ask, but what are you doing here so early, Ash?”

Ash sighs heavily, turning the tap off. There’s no point lying to Cam about it. “I need to fix things with AJ.”

“Fix things?” Cam’s brow creases. “Like, were you two…”

“No, nothing like that,” Ash says, grabbing a couple of paper towels and offering one to Cam.

“Really?” Cam asks disbelievingly as he dries his hands off. “You two went from being joined at the hip, to not even wanting to be in the same room as each other. Some of the boys suspected that you guys might’ve… _you know_.”

“What happened was quite the opposite, really,” Ash mumbles, not looking at Cam as they bin their paper towels and walk back to the change room. “AJ… he helped me through everything when I had Hanahaki, and I… look, let’s just say you weren’t the only person I’ve treated badly over the past few months. I figured out he like-_liked_ me and really freaked out, to say the least.”

“Yikes,” Cam says with a wince, and yeah, Ash reckons that’s fair.

“Figured I’d try to fix things with him today, you know?” He shrugs. “Better late than never, they always say.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you for him to actually show up today.”

Ash blinks. “What?”

“AJ’s been missing quite a few training sessions recently, and the coaches aren’t exactly happy about that,” Cam says slowly, letting his words sink in. Ash has to take a seat on the closest bench, his elbows on his knees and his hands over his mouth. “I’ve also heard them talking about how his fitness has taken a sudden hit and how he may be unselectable for our opening game over east. Now, this could just be me overthinking, but I think he may have… yeah, _that_.”

“Fuck,” Ash mumbles, turning his desperate gaze to Cam. “I hadn’t even noticed. I’m supposed to be fixing things with him, but I couldn’t even- I didn’t- fuck, shit, I’m actually the worst bloke to have ever-”

“Hey.” Cam’s calm tone and the hand suddenly on Ash’s shoulder snaps him out of his panic. “You’ll be alright, Ash. You just need to go talk to him.”

“You mean like… right now? Cam, we’ve got training. I can’t just dip like that-”

“Better late than never,” Cam interrupts gently. “You said it yourself.”

Ash’s eyes flick from the change room door to Cam’s face. “I really should, but what about-”

“Don’t worry about the coaches or the other boys,” Cam says with a wave, stepping back and pulling Ash to his feet. “I’ll handle them.” 

Ash gives a quick nod, and Cam smiles, seeing the determined expression which fixes itself upon Ash’s face. Ash takes all of half a step away before he freezes, looking back over his shoulder. “Cam?”

“Yeah?”

Ash pauses before flashing Cam a smile. It isn’t one of those big, fake grins he’d learned to bust out amongst the boys when they asked if he was alright when he still had Hanahaki or was acting weird around AJ. This one is genuine and filled with all his appreciation for Cam. “Thanks. For everything.”

“Save the thanks for when I physically hold Vogesy back from biting your head off when you get back,” Cam huffs, pushing Ash towards the door with a fond roll of his eyes. “Now get out of here and go get your man.”

***

Ash is pretty sure he trips at least five speed cameras on his way up to AJ’s place, but he honestly can’t care less. Nothing really matters to him except making it to AJ’s place in the least time humanly possible.

Which is why he swears up and down at the old mate who’d cruised in front of him at 60 km/h on the Mitchell Freeway and is out of the car as soon as he pulls up in a screeching halt on AJ’s driveway.

AJ greets him at the door, halting him mid-maniacal-knock, and if Ash were to put it simply, AJ looks absolutely awful. He’s clutching a heavy quilt draped over his hunched shoulders, and the dark bags beneath his dull eyes stand out against the pale skin of his face. His brown hair is dishevelled, looking like it probably hasn’t been washed in a fair few days, and also, is that dried blood at the corner of his pale, cracked lips?

“Ash,” AJ says slowly. His voice is level with the single syllable of Ash’s name, but Ash doesn’t miss the way his blue eyes widen fractionally or how his fingers grip the quilt a little tighter. 

“Hey,” Ash greets breathlessly, lowering his raised hand as inconspicuously as he can. He clears his throat, rocking back onto his heels. “You haven’t been at training a lot recently.”

“Yeah, well, thanks for noticing,” AJ huffs with a small smile. It’s fragile, yet somewhat fond, and Ash feels his own lips curving upwards as well. His expression quickly falls, though, when he notices AJ’s little shuffle away from him, and the door slowly inching close between them.

“AJ, is everything alright?” he asks, taking a step closer to the front door and trying his best to keep the hurt off his face when AJ flinches backwards noticeably.

“Y-yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” There’s that tell-tale hoarseness to AJ’s voice and panic filling his blue eyes.

_Because I treated you like shit when I should’ve been here with you like you were with me. Because I think you’ve got Hanahaki and you’re dying_, Ash tries to say, but finds the words stuck in his throat when AJ clamps a hand over his mouth, a wet cough rattling through his chest.

Then the door’s slamming shut right in Ash’s face, and there’s a hurried click which indicates it being locked. Almost reflexively, Ash throws himself against the door as hard as he can with a frustrated yell. The damn thing is pretty solid, but goes flying open on Ash’s third attempt. It clips his shoulder as it swings back on his hinges from the force at which it collides against the wall, but Ash is completely oblivious to the pain. The world could’ve been ending outside, the house could’ve been on fire, fuck, Vogesey could’ve gotten JL back to WA for the sole purpose of hunting Ash down for missing training without telling him, but he wouldn’t have noticed. He wouldn’t have _cared_. There’s nothing at that moment which could’ve possibly distracted Ash from his single-minded aim to never let AJ go ever again. 

“AJ!” he calls, hearing a loud crash from deeper inside the house. As he skids around the corner, his eyes widen, seeing AJ collapsed on the floor, mere meters from the bathroom.

The table AJ had tried to grab on for support is lying on its side, and the objects which had been atop it are strewn haphazardly around him. Fragments of what Ash assumes had been a mug are lying dangerously close to AJ’s bare feet, but that’s hardly his greatest concern as he stands over his friend, light yellow petals streaked with blood spilling from his lips. Porcelain crunches beneath the soles of Ash’s sneakers, and he slides to his knees, pulling AJ to his chest with hands he forces to still. The front of his shirt is sprayed with red when a particularly intense cough seizes AJ, and he grips him tighter with one arm while fumbling through his pockets for his phone.

“Fuck, no, no, no, this is bad- ah, fuck, _really_ fucking bad,” Ash says, struggling to keep himself from panicking as a fully formed flower tumbles into AJ’s lap. “There’s no time, we have to call an ambulance-”

“_No_,” AJ wheezes with a desperate shake of his head, and Ash stares at him, shocked.

“AJ, you’re dying! We have to get you to the hospital! They’ll get you surgery, and you _will_ live, you hear me-?” Ash hits the zero on the dialpad three times, but right as his thumb moves over the green call button, AJ knocks his phone right out of his hand. “No! AJ, why would you-?”

“_Don’t_,” AJ chokes out, more blood bubbling from his mouth. “Please, Ash. No… hospitals.”

“But I can’t just sit here and let you die like this,” Ash pleads frantically, his voice cracking and his vision blurring as he wipes gore from AJ’s face with his sleeve. “Please, just let me help-”

“You already are, Ash,” AJ says calmly, catching Ash’s fingers and giving them a weak squeeze. For a moment, as he raises his other hand to dry Ash’s tear-stained cheeks with the pad of his thumb, his grimace looks like a smile. “Maybe I am a little selfish after all. Dying in your arms isn’t so bad… though I do suppose you’ll… you’ll live knowing that I died, because you couldn’t love me back. I hope… you’ll be able to… forgive me… one day-”

“Fuck you,” Ash sobs, leaning into AJ’s warm touch. “You’re not gonna die, AJ. You… you _can’t_, because… because I-”

AJ’s eyes widen. His breaths are coming short and shallow now, and though no sound comes from his mouth, Ash can still read what his eyes and lips are trying desperately to tell him.

How cruel it would be if Ash were to give a dying man false hope in his last moments. If he were to say those three words without really meaning them.

Except he does mean them. With all his heart. He only hopes he hasn’t realised it too late. 

“Because I love you,” Ash finishes. “I love you, Andrew James Tye.”

And with that, he swoops down and presses his lips to AJ’s.

There’s a horrible moment in which nothing happens, and Ash thinks he’s too late or he’s mistaken his overwhelming desire to save his friend as love. 

But then AJ is sucking in a deep breath of air and surging up against him. Ash lets out an embarrassing yelp as he’s nearly knocked back, though it quickly turns into a soft sigh when gentle hands cup his face. Ash once thought Hanahaki would’ve put him off the combined taste of blood, plant, and tears for life, but as AJ’s thumbs brush across his cheekbones, it isn't as bad as it could be. 

When they eventually break away from each other, Ash stares at AJ disbelievingly. Both of them are breathless, though for a far more enjoyable reason this time. Slowly, Ash raises an unsteady hand, placing it over AJ’s heart. Beneath the steady thumping reverberating through AJ’s chest, Ash swears he can almost feel the parasitic plant in AJ’s lungs withering and dying. A relieved sob rips itself free from Ash’s throat as his brown eyes fill with tears, and he throws his arms around AJ, burying his face in his neck to muffle his ugly sobs.

“You’re here,” Ash babbles, still processing the fact that AJ really is alive and breathing in his arms. “You’re alive. I- I can’t believe it-”

“Well, you’d best try to,” AJ chuckles, his voice still rough. He rubs soothing circles into Ash's back, sounding amused as he hiccups against him. “Shh, it’s alright, Ash. I’m here. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Fuck, it’s not, though,” Ash manages in between ragged gasps. “I… I treated you like shit, didn’t even realise you had Hanahaki, had to have Cam point it out to me, you were literally _dying_ because of me, and-”

“You were going through a lot as well,” AJ says simply, but Ash shakes his head frantically, struggling for words.

“That’s still no excuse! I still should’ve- I shouldn’t have-”

“Maybe you should’ve done this, maybe you shouldn’t have done that, what does it matter?” AJ says, pulling away enough to be able to stare right into Ash’s brown eyes. “It’s all in the past. I forgive you for it.” 

“You… why?” Ash asks tentatively, and AJ rolls his eyes as if Ash has just asked him the most obvious question ever. 

“Because I love you, Ash,” AJ declares. “You brilliant, smart, talented, gentle man. I could go on about you all day.”

Ash stares at him blankly at that, and AJ shakes his head with a warm smile. AJ looks down, shifting slightly and making something rustle in between them.

“Yellow camellia,” AJ identifies the full bloom as he picks it up. Though the camellia is yellow like Ash and Cam’s tulips had been, it is a noticeable few shades lighter, almost translucent in the morning sunshine streaming through the window. The edges of the unfamiliar flower’s petals are uneven and papery, so different from the rounded, waxy ones Ash had become familiar with. “For longing, because that’s really all I did. Pined away for you and would’ve until my last breath.”

“So you… even when I…?” 

“Even when I was convinced I’d ruined everything with you, and even back when you had Hanahaki for AT.” AJ closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I used to wish I would wake up one morning and just be AT. Used to wish you would look at me the same way you looked at him-”

“Well, you don’t need to wish for anything of that sort any longer, because I reckon you have something even better now,” Ash interrupts gently, having finally found his words. AJ opens his eyes, bemusement evident deep in their blue depths, and Ash ducks his head with a shy smile. He'd never thought he was a sap, but God, the words which just keep tumbling from his mouth might just prove him wrong. “I’ll never look at you like I looked at AT, because you’ll never be AT. Frankly, I don’t think I’ll ever want you to be. You’re AJ Tye, and I’ll look at you as such. I might’ve been in love with AT before, but it’s you who I am in love with now and for the rest of our Hanahaki-free lives. It took me far too long to realise it, but I love you, AJ. I’ll say it as many times as you need me to and more.”

“Fuck, you can’t just say something like that and expect me not to kiss you,” AJ breathes, his gaze flicking to Ash’s lips which curl into a smirk.

“I’m not expecting anything,” he teases, and AJ laughs.

“Good,” he says, leaning in to meet Ash halfway. Ash is unable to keep the smile off his face for long and is also unable to keep his giggles from bubbling up past his lips as AJ moves to pepper kisses all over Ash’s cheeks, nose, jaw, eyelids, chin, everywhere. Ash pulls a face when AJ finds the space between his eyebrows, and his beard tickles his nose. Playfully, he pushes AJ away.

“Hey, AJ?” he starts with a lopsided grin.

“Yeah?”

“I was thinking…” he continues slowly, giving himself time to take AJ’s hands from his cheeks and hold them in his own. “Let’s give this dating thing a shot.”

“We don’t have to immediately if you’re still uncertain-”

“I have never been more certain in my life,” Ash affirms. “It’s not gonna be easy, but I want to do this. If you’ll have me in the first place, of course-”

“Yes,” AJ says before Ash can even finish. He laughs, happy and relieved, and presses their foreheads together. “Always, Ash. I love you.”

“I love you too, AJ,” Ash whispers back, and his words are like a breath of fresh air, carrying with it the promise of something new and beautiful in their lives. AJ leans forward to capture it with his mouth, and Ash lets him, neither of them saying anything for a long while as the sun continues its gradual ascent outside. The passing clouds cast soft shadows across the floor littered with rapidly wilting petals which are bound to be a pain to clean up afterwards.

Ash doesn’t care, though, because as his lips meet AJ’s over and over again and the rest of the world melts away, he realises that being in love isn’t as bad as he thought it to be after all.

**Author's Note:**

> See? I told you the boys were going to be fine in the end. Mostly. Probably. Cam and Ashton will get around to sorting themselves out eventually as well dw sdjcnjn
> 
> Congrats if you made it to the end! Hope you liked it enough to leave some kudos, comments, and/or feedback here or on Tumblr @somesunnyda-y <3


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